Who knew? Nicole Polizzi, a.k.a. "Snooki", today's version of an impossibly trashier Jacqueline Susann (who also, once upon a time, quasi wrote a little known book called Valley of the Dolls which went on to sell the crap out of itself 'til the end of the Mayan calendar), can actually produce another book. Three hundred and thirty-six pages of it. It's called Gorilla Beach and no, it's not a recount of the gorillas living on the shores of some God-forsaken country way out where people still use smoke signals to communicate, but about. . . oh, what am I doing. Really? A Snooki novel with a plot? Someone get me the ghost-writer of this book. I have a story to tell.
Anyhow, here is a clue as to what's inside:
Holding a bouquet of white plastic roses, Gia strutted the length of the store aisle between racks of bondagewear and a wall of stripper wigs. she did a dramatic pose, arching her back. Her barely holstered boobs popped out of the corset.
"Nip slip!" said Bella, laughing. "You look like a slutty virgin."
Knowing Maria, who gargled with tequila and had been known to grind a lamppost when drunk, the bachelorette party would rock no matter who hosted it.
Before the divorce with Gia's mom five years ago, Gia and Joe were as tight as sausage casing.
"Attention Pleasure Chest shoppers!" said Bella to get Gia's attention. "I lost you for a second there. Where were you?"
"Gorilla Island," said Gia. "I was surrounded by a pack of juiceheads, and they were fighting over who got to bring me Jell-o shots and fried pickles."
She knew what was what, that she wasn't winning any prizes for her brains. Not everyone was born to put on a rubber apron and split atoms in a kitchen with a meat cleaver. Some people contributed to the world in a different-no less important-way.
She hated spending so much time holed up in dark rooms that stank of fake butter.
The bride never saw a plunging V-front, skintight, lycra, camo-print jumpsuit she didn't crush on hard.
"We need a dozen penis pops, too. And a leather whip, and these pink, fur-lined handcuffs," said Gia. "Do you gift wrap?"This is the best book of all time. However, I may have to read the first one (in case I missed some important plot points). One simply does not go into a Snooki-book, unprepared.