It's possibly me, but I've come to accept it. The understatement of the century.
Gay men are just rampaging man-sluts looking for the next quickie without the questions. They could care less who they're sticking it to as long as it's
A - Male
B - Has an asshole
C - Has muscles
D - Is horny and has access to some party drugs.
Really. Why get to know a guy when there's all this bootay to fuck? Who has the time, anyway? We're going to die, so let's do so with a bang. Literally.
But, because there are guys like me who are what's called a rara avis, which is Latin for rare bird, which in Spanish becomes pajaro raro, which is perjorative for flaming homosexual, a thing I am not but am anyhow (I like Judy. Fuck you.), many of the fuckers have become quite crafty in wanting to get into my designer t-shirts and jeans and onto my soft skin that is usually well-oiled with the real aloe vera and then some. Now, it's not the "twenty questions of Hell" that were so in vogue in the Nineties before DSL or (huh) Broadband or complicated profiles linked to blogs and Twitter and Facebook and other dating pages and possibly one where they're offering a little some-some and a sponsorship. This is something I call, the new "Let's have sex."
It's called, "I give great massage."
Usually it becomes tweaked a little to become the 2.0 of itself: "You need a massage."
And if we really want to up the ante with mind-blowing suspense, we can re-phrase it as, "I wish I were there... I'd give you a massage you'd never forget." [Note: the idiot lives 3000 miles away from me.]
WHAT THE FUCK DO I FUCKING CARE THAT YOU HAVE GREAT HANDS, YOU FUCKING PIG?? DID I FUCKING ASK YOU TO ENUNCIATE TO ME YOUR SPECIALTY AT FINDING PRESSURE POINTS?? KEEP YOUR FILTHY, BASTARDLY HANDS TO YOUR PIGGY SELF UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO GRAB AN AXE AND USE YOUR HANDS AS KITCHEN PROPS. GEDDIT?
If I want a massage, I will show my lazy ass to the mall where I'll throw myself on top of the chair near Kohl's and that fucking Korean bitch BETTER give me one and make me smi-i-i-i-ile... or I'll show her what I can do with my hands.
See how simple my rules are?
Now follow them.